i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
