Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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