i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
