I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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