So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
