Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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