you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
