last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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