my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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