Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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