Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
