are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
