i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
