keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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