everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
