I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
