I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
