Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
