it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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