i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
