whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
