Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
