A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
