I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
BRING THE BAGELS
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
