I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
