Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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