Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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