I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
