Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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