my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The air was thick with penises
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
