I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
