you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
