I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
