It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
