Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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