Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
