Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
