Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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