There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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