I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
