K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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