So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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