I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
