God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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