You smell like a Billy Joel song
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
