so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
