I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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