The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
