If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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