I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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