I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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