i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
