So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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