I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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