i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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