When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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